Parental Advice for Teens That Works

I attended a high school playoff football game recently. I had an aha moment about the only advice that ever worked with our teenagers.

While standing at the fence during the game, I heard parents instructing behind me: “Get ready boys!” “Hold the line!” “Throw it to him, he’s wide open!” Then there were the rhetorical questions: “What are you doing?!” “Where are your heads?” “What are you looking at?” Now granted, some of the commentary was directed at the officials, but you get the idea.

While not what we think about when we discuss communication strategies, it’s easy to acknowledge that advice swirls around sporting events. Heck, if you are listening, you will hear it everywhere. Parents advise their children all the time, even when they shouldn’t.

Issues begin to bubble between parents and their teens when unsolicited parental advice makes its way to the car ride home or the dinner table.

Teenagers abhor unsolicited advice.

By the time kids are pre-teens and teenagers, they absolutely need all the advice the adults around them want to give, but they will only take and follow the advice they seek. It is a natural progression to adulthood. One of the biggest challenges for parents as their children age out of needing all advice all the time is only offering advice when they ask for it.

So, how does a parent “parent” someone without giving advice they know their not-quite-mature-teen needs?

Identify Unsolicited Advice

This article by clinical psychologist, Seth Meyers, illuminates the reasons why people bristle at unsolicited advice. Teenagers desire autonomy and they want to establish thinking and decision-making outside of the influence of the adults who have always done that for them. Next time you sit your teen down to “advise” them about something, ask yourself whether they have asked you to do that.

Show Them How to Solicit Advice

In order to create a long-lasting and loving relationship between parents and their kids, the parent-teen relationship has to evolve to mutual respect, trust, support, and encouragement.

If you want to teach your teen to ask for advice, model it. Find an activity or a skill that they know more about than you do and ask them to teach you about it. Are they good at social media? Seek their advice about how you should or should not engage in it.

Soliciting a teen’s advice about how you can come alongside them in the things they enjoy will open up the lines of communication. The more practice you both have with this advice exchange, the more likely they will seek parental wisdom, so you can give them the advice they need.