Letters from the last three weeks…

Dear So and So...

A lot has happened in the last three weeks, but most notably is the fact that I didn’t have a whole lot of time to sit down and write about it.  A number of experiences could have easily turned into full-blown blog posts, but instead they have simply become snippets of memory.  Here we go…

Dear Mr. Wisconsin State Patrolman,
You looked awfully snazzy when you pulled me over on that highway.  Your hat was effectively stiff, your uniform ironed and pressed, and those manners….who can say enough about those manners.  You did your job well.  I could hardly argue with you about the fact that I was driving that much over the speed limit, and you were too professional in your delivery of my citation that I didn’t get to tell you that I was trying to get home to take my daughter to preschool.  You should have been more emotional and then maybe I could have mustered up some moving tears.  Instead you politely sent me on my way. I hope to never see you again.

Happy for some tax return money, but sad to give it right back to Wisconsin 

Dear Littlest Sprout,
We love listening to you sing, and for the most part we think the four-year-old version of your lyrics are great.  We had a little meeting yesterday and we have decided that we should really censor you a little bit.  It is probably not appropriate that you sing, “Ho, ho, ho be a lady” instead of “whoa oh oh be a lady”.  It might offend some hoes.  You should maybe go back to singing PINK… you know her lyrics a lot better.

Your Biggest Fans

Dear Head Lice,
How nice it was for you all to come and visit our home.  I know that you were bored staying on the heads of the little classmates at the sprouts’ school, and I completely understand your choice to hitch a ride on middle sprouts’ head.  She does have a pretty nice head.  I’m sorry that we had to attack you that way.  Please don’t take it personally.  If the nurse hadn’t directed us to go on a hunt-and-destroy mission, you would likely still be living comfortably. If any of you are still hanging out in there…your days are numbered, and tell all your little friends that as pleasant as that head of hair looks…it is hell on earth for your kind.

Mom turned ape-bug-seeker (no eating involved)

Dear Spring,
You rock!  Your outfits are amazing, and what is that perfume you wear?   You have been incredibly generous to the Midwest this year.  More sun than rain, more warm temperatures than cold, and an awesome early display of sprouting life.  I’m not sure how you have managed to keep the bugs sleeping, but I’m grateful.  It makes up for past wet and soggy springs, and it makes this washed out weekend acceptable.  Keep it coming.

Grateful Sun Lover

Dear Dirty Bathroom,
Please stop yelling at me!!  I know you need a good cleaning, and I will get to you today.  Haven’t you noticed, when I look in your mirror, those ridiculously dark circles under my eyes?  Haven’t you made note of the fact that I’ve been squinting at you at 4:15 in the morning?  That’s too early for people to be up.  So when I should be massaging your counter with cleanser and brushing your toilet with vigor, I have been sawing logs.  I promise to be more attentive…if you promise to stay clean!!!

Almost Fully-Rested Maid

Dear Dandelions,
You suck! Although littlest sprout thinks you are gorgeous and she brings a few of you to me every day, and then of course I must place you in a small flower vase, I want you to know that I loathe you.  Can’t you see that we don’t want you?  That aeration was not intended for you.  Those seeds we threw down are meant to crowd you out, and when I go around pulling you from the root, I hope you sense the seething anger in my heart.  I don’t want you in my yard.  I’m sorry if you got some mixed messages because I blew so many of your seeds around when I was a kid….I didn’t know what I was doing!

The Budding Gardener

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