I live neither here, nor there.. neither this place, nor that. I live in an uncomfortable place in the middle. In the middle of everything, but not the calm center I think I need.
It is truly remarkable how many lines I straddle…or nearly straddle, and I am struggling with this compulsion to finally define myself more specifically.
It is part geographical… this teetering. We swim in the water (or skate on it) at Minnesota sea level and then the summer rolls around and the only thing I can see myself doing is climbing and climbing and climbing those gorgeous Colorado peaks.
Then there is tottering in the place we call home most of the year. There are boundaries criss-crossing themselves around us, and we barely fit in to any of them.
The state line, marked by a river, is only miles from us, and as we drive over the river we close in on the distance we live from our cabin….the cabin that is in the neighboring state.
Our house snuggles itself in to the end of our cul-de-sac, but it is not nearly as centered in the world as it appears to be. The city limits are a short bike-ride away, and the edge of the school district stretches itself just two streets past us to make us one of the last houses included in the district plan.
That district plan includes a state law requiring that our kids play hockey for the town so far the other way…with people who live that far away too. They have lives and experiences that cannot include us because time and distance make that connection impossible.
Then there is the kids’ school, constructed specifically for boundary collision, and it services children from three separate districts and countless cities. Fabulous for diversity, but a bit disjointed by the time the kids head their own ways to the next school.
For people who have known my family for any length of time, I can hear you waving your hand at the computer screen ushering away my concerns.
“Ah, big deal…that seems to suit the gypsy lifestyle you’ve adopted.”
My answer, “True… but I’m tiring. I want to slide from the middle of the teeter totter and get off in a definitive place.”
That place may not exist…or, maybe, it is a place I’m building. A place that only shows itself over time.
I just wish I felt like I could stop searching for a center that may never be.